Category: Uncategorized

EXPLANATIONS AND REFLECTIONS OF FAITH

Ramadan day5

I have wondered how much to share of my experience as a Christian wife of a Muslim man. Initially, I did not want to be that vulnerable.  Yet, I feel that there is no way around it. If anyone will ever read my blog, it will probably be even more beneficial to the reader if I don’t leave out some of the most personal details of my life and how they intersect with music.

 I am a liberal Christian. … … Kind of. I am more of a “Bell and Borg,” type of Christian. I am speaking of Marcus Borg and Rob Bell.  I don’t take the Bible literally —- *ANYMORE! I don’t believe in the atonement theory. I don’t believe that God would have or need to crucify his son to forgive any sins. I believe that Jesus was a great man, not God incarnate or even God’s son. This does not make me love Jesus any less.

Although disabled people have been ostracized in every religion, I find Christians a bit more inclusive than people of other religions. I do acknowledge, though, that this has less to do with the religion and more to do with an individual’s comfort with disabilities, in general. I also enjoy the corporate singing and the small group Bible studies. These are quite beneficial.  .  

    Muslims do have small group Quran study classes. And, there are some Muslims who are accepting of those with disabilities. There are Muslims who encourage questions, etc. They are just far less concentrated into one area. I am involved in a few facebook Islamic groups that seem to assist in my spiritual growth. However, I do admit that online groups have their limits, especially when there is not a regular conferencing element within the group participating model.     

Honestly speaking, I probably listen to more podcasts about Islam than Christianity. Theologically, I feel more Muslim than any other Abrahamic faith. I do believe that there is only one God and that Mohamed was a prophet and messenger (Peace be upon him). I feel more comfortable with the Muslim definition of “witnessing,” than the Christian definition. Until recently, Muslims seemed to be less pushy and conversion focused.    Yet, there are familial, cultural and a couple of small theological reasons that I don’t squarely fit into the Muslim box.

  1. Even if I dawned the label of “Muslima,” I’d be an inclusive feminist Muslima. I definitely would be progressive and moderate in my thinking. This means that I would be LGBTQI affirming, believe that hijab is a woman’s choice and not obligatory, not ascribe to outdated Arabic customs, view the Quran through a contextual and humanitarian lense instead of taking every word literally, etc.  This would put me out of mainstream Islam, already. I know that there are many Muslims who are already there. I am just not ready to go there.  
  2.  While I do believe that Muhammed (PBUH) was a prophet and a messenger, I have some serious reservations about whether he was indeed the *LAST messenger, his portrayal as “perfect,” or praying to him to intercede on anyone’s behalf. It also feels a bit too “Catholic,” for me to believe in praying for the dead.
  3.      I learned my lesson with the entire conservative Christianity experience. I took the Bible literally. When I say “Literally,” I mean that I adopted the flawed KJV translation from Aramaic to English as the literal Gospel. [Side note: when I grumble about my not so sharp mind and memory, I remember that I use to be a conservative Christian. Yet, I have sharpened my analytical skills in that regard. This makes me feel less in decline].   I can’t read Arabic, and even if I could, I couldn’t understand its intricacies enough to fully commit myself to believing that the Quran was the Holy “word of God.” I know, I could find a great teacher. But, all men have flaws and I am just not ready or willing to put my faith in a person for this task. I would need a one-on-one guide and I would start with a bit of Arabic. I have not found anyone willing to teach me Arabic, much less the intricacies of the Quran. And, my memory is not as good as it used to be. Besides, I have to filter out those Wahhabis and extremists. That is just such a daunting task.    
  4. By declaring myself Muslim, especially to my immediate family, I would be putting myself in a situation ripe for psychological and spiritual abuse. I am not sure if my family of origin, or my adult children would distance themselves any more than they are, already. I have had religious discussions with them all and I am certain that they have probably wondered if I would eventually “convert” to Islam. I am always debunking a myth or talking about what I have learned about Islam. My daughter has converted to the LDS faith and my three older sons are in various stages of agnosticism. I can respect their journeys. Since they have strayed from the conservative Baptist path, I feel a bit more comfortable about mutually sharing our journeys. . More important and detrimental would be, my husband and in-laws who, would seize this opportunity to “instruct” in ways that would be emotionally damaging for me. I have seen it play out all too often with other women. They end up divorcing their husbands and blaming and hating the religion.     

Here are some Islamic selections that encourage me in my exploration. I do realize that these are a bit ambiguous in nature and aren’t toating one specific idea as truth. The first three are by Dawud Wharnsby. Please comment with the musical selections that you find most uplifting or reflecting while traversing your spiritual path.

  1. All of Us
  • People of the boxes
  • The truth that lies inside
  • This last selection is one of my favorites from Raef.

Lost on the Moon Ramadan 2020 day 2

         This is day 2 of Ramadan.

I still have lots to do. I need to help my eight-year-old do school work that he did not complete yesterday. I need to fold laundry and clean.

 As a way to reflect and get some insight as to last year’s Ramadan, just in case I forgot, I wanted to reread my previous posts. Sometimes, they inspire me. But, somehow, I only found about seven of them. I know that I wrote over thirty. I wrote about feeling lonely. I wrote about hiphop and the Muslim experience. I wrote about the call to prayer and the various people who have provided their voice. I wrote about a plethora of different subjects. Then, since I thought that the posts were on wordpress, I deleted them from my computer. Now I can admit that they were so very awesome and no one will ever see them… … as if people read my blog the first time that I put them on word press. (Smile)       But, now, I must start again. This is so disappointing and exhausting. The only good part of this is that I have lots of selections to choose from when writing my posts.

Things missing this Ramadan include:

  1. My previous blog posts
  2.  Excitement from children
  3. Familial kindness and love
  4. Energy
  5. The moon, we still have not seen it. There are too many clouds.

I surmise that the previous four will be found when we find the moon.

If I were craftier, I’d print out mazes to help my children find the moon amidst all of the grumpy clouds.

Here are some songs about the moon to maybe help us find it.

  • Native Deen’s cover of this song is played at least once a week.
  • Here is a live version featuring some prominent artists.

A ruinous and rumbustious Ramadan — (day 1)

    Welcome to Ramadan and Corona!

     Most Muslim organizations in America, at least, have taken the virus seriously and have closed their mosques for the month long observance. Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that there were quite a few Pastors from Christian churches who refused to close their doors for the Easter holiday, only two weeks earlier. In any case, most Muslims are celebrating a new type of Ramadan this year. I acknowledge that many Muslims are having a difficult time with social distancing and not making meaningful connections this Ramadan. But, I’m an old white woman, progressive in whatever spiritual beliefs that I hold, I have two young children, a Pakistani husband who is perfectly find with conservativeness and … … Yes, I also have a disability. Thus, social distancing is the flavor of the Ramadan month. I usually get a side of exclusion with my rice or an ample amount of apathy slathered on my flat bread.   I’ll leave my comments about social distancing and Ramadan struggles for a later post.

Frankly, I’m feeling grumpy and the worst thing that a grumpy person can do is find one of their favorite soap boxes to stand on while they are in this inconsolable mood. Conservative muslims and/or struggles of the disabled (specifically in religious circles) are definitely familiar soapboxes.  

The night before the fasting, my children  got their binoculars out and look for the moon. It was cloudy and they could see nothing. But, that did not stop them from grabbing a blanket and spending fifteen minutes outside, trying to find the moon. They thought that they were on a moon treasure hunt. They grabbed binoculars, a flashlight (for each of them) their favorite stuffy and more than a few blankets for this festive moon siting occasion. Here is a moon song to commemorate their excitement.

  Not only was this anticlimactic affair the catalyst to a disappointing first day of  Ramadan, the fact that there were no howling neighbors just made things worse. Thanks to the Corona virus, Sometimes our neighbors will all go outside at about the same time and howl at the moon. I find it a waste of time and vocal ability, but my children love it and have a strong desire to channel their inner wolf.

 The first day was an utter disaster and Corona is only indirectly responsible for it’s overwhelming suckiness.

My eight-year-old did absolutely no school today. He flat out refused. No computer math games, no art wheel making, no telling about our bed time story, no story time on Youtube for the younger one, no board game to strengthen math skills, no Alexa game to enhance vocabulary… … the only thing that was done today was wrestling around and weird playing with his little brother.  Unfortunately, there was no such determination when it came to fighting with or picking on his little brother. If this was just a (one time thing), I’d take it in stride, but it seems to be happening more and more. And, I’m not in a place where I can analyze, be a cheerleader to mobilize the troops and/or change it up with a creative method of making him do his work. And, for the record, I do believe that children can “digress,” back to the baby stage. The evidence is my four-year-old’s preferred communication style, the ever popular wordless whine and my eight-year-old’s defiant obstinate stomp.

I absent mindedly broke the fast within the first three hours of being functionally awake. I know, if you had read any of my earlier posts, you will note that I don’t identify as Muslim. But, I fast with my husband. I don’t tell him that I am fasting. It is a secret (well, kind of secret) affair for me. I think that it might help me develop characteristics that are important to hone for good parenting and as a good person. I do try to meditate and pray throughout the day.  Thus, I find fasting and meditating prayer beneficial, so I will make every attempt to do these things. I don’t tell my husband for a variety of complicated reasons. Let’s just say that my faith journey is my own and I don’t need anyone else to micromanage or criticize or scrutinize it for me.

  I accidentally made the dinner too spicy for anyone to eat — even though I knew that my husband would never order out. Actually, I made the sauce too spicy and the red pepper started to smoke and burn everyone’s eyes. I started the dinner again and I thought that I finally made something that my husband would hopefully enjoy. The one thing that turned out half way decent was the rice. “As if someone can mess up rice,” you say. And, I will tell you that it has been done several times, in this very house. Today was the day for perfect fluffy rice — rice that I can’t stand. I would be satisfied if I only ate rice twice a year.  My plan was to eat salad while my husband and children ate a rice and chicken dish.

Then, some charitable Muslims brought over food and my dinner was relegated to the freezer for a time in the future. They actually brought over “LOTS” of dinner. So, we have grapes and dates to break the fast. We have yogurt and parathas to make sure that my husband breaks his fast in the “proper way.” (GRRRRRR).  It isn’t that I’m ungreatful. I had just spent a large amount of time attempting to prepare something that would be enjoyable and it has been stuffed into the freezer for “when there isn’t anything else to eat,” time.

I was ready to go back to sleep after the first five hours of being awake and that desire only intensified with every minute. I could use a bit of comedy, like the March 2020 zoom conference comedy by  Zara Khan.

https://www.latimes.com/socal/daily-pilot/entertainment/story/2020-03-24/you-cant-laugh-and-be-afraid-at-the-same-time-combating-coronavirus-comedy-provides-much-needed-levity

 But, my mellifluous discoveries are not suppose to include comedy. So, this is all that I can muster up this evening. Maybe it will give you solace. Maybe I’ll experience that comfort after I put everyone else to bed while inhaling some aromatic hot tea… … maybe.

I’ll put on Maher’s Zain’s “let it go,”

and

  is Sami Yusuf’s “Make me strong,”

Pre-ramadan 2020

Okay, it was right after Christmas when my four-year-old wanted me to roll out the Ramadan music. We had just ended an entire month of Christmas music. That playlist is also pretty ecclectic and maybe I’ll post it sometime. After all, I try not to miss an opportunity to share the Muslim Christmas song(smile).  Anyway, he instinctively was ready for Ramadan.  In truth, there are some selections by a handful of Muslim artists that have never been too far from any of our play lists. My children will play them randomly and want to include some Zain Bhikha or Dawud Wharnsby in our “children’s” playlist  or some Mona Haydar, Maher Zain or Native Deen to our “move it” playlists.  But, my 4yo was on a “ramadan kick.” It helped him relax. His brother had gone back to school and he and I were adjusting to the solitude and our own rhythm that we seem to have when  our most energetic Tabla is at school. After the third day of him spending hours drawing, cutting and humming to our Ramadan playlist, I knew that I had to find mroe Ramadan music.

                At first, I thought that I would just recycle new posts about the same old songs. After all, they are still inspiring, just ask Z.  I wondered if it Would make a difference because almost no one reads my blog anyway. The only beneficial thing my blog does is to ping certain Youtube channels and maybe artists.

 Oh, I am reminded to ask my friend G about her favorite Ramadan selections. She is a convert with an interest in African Muslim music. she might have some good selections to offer.  Maybe I will contact Muslim musicians in Colorado and get their input. Hmmm, a good way to start an interesting conversation and maybe make a few friends in the process. Honestly, I am a bit limited when it comes to Muslim friends, but, I guess anything is possible!

  Okay, so I have decided to challenge myself to be on a quest to find more Ramadan music. Tastes change over time and maybe a song that I previously ignored would become a favorite. Who knows. I still have my favorites from last year. … … Hello… … the entire playlist!(smile) So, I’ll be listening to them again.

 But, if someone new has stumbled on my blog,

please go back and read the past year’s selections. You won’t be disappointed. I’m going back to read, myself. Journaling and rereading journal entries can be quite therapeutic.

Okay, it was right after Christmas when my four-year-old wanted me to roll out the Ramadan music. We had just ended an entire month of Christmas music. That playlist is also pretty eclectic and maybe I’ll post it sometime. After all, I try not to miss an opportunity to share the Muslim Christmas song (smile).  Anyway, he instinctively was ready for Ramadan.  In truth, there are some selections by a handful of                              artists that have never been too far from any of our play lists. My children will play them randomly and want to include some Zain Bhikha or Dawud Wharnsby in our “children’s” playlist or some Mona Haydar, Maher Zain or Native Deen to our “move it” playlists.  But, my 4yo was on a “Ramadan kick.” It helped him relax. His brother had gone back to school and he and I were adjusting to the solitude and our own rhythm that we seem to have when our most energetic Tabla is at school. After the third day of him spending hours drawing, cutting and humming to our Ramadan playlist, I knew that I had to find more Ramadan music.

                At first, I thought that I would just recycle new posts about the same old songs. After all, they are still inspiring, just ask Z.  I wondered if it would make a difference because almost no one reads my blog anyway. The only beneficial thing my blog does is to ping certain YouTube channels and maybe artists.

 Oh, I am reminded to ask my friend G about her favorite Ramadan selections. She is a convert with an interest in African Muslim music. She might have some good selections to offer.  Maybe I will contact Muslim musicians in Colorado and get their input. Hmmm, a good way to start an interesting conversation and maybe make a few friends in the process. Honestly, I am a bit limited when it comes to Muslim friends, but, I guess anything is possible!

  Okay, so I have decided to challenge myself to embark on a quest to find more Ramadan music. Tastes change over time and maybe a song that I previously ignored would become a favorite. Who knows? I still have my favorites from last year. … … Hello… … the entire playlist! (Smile) So, I’ll be listening to them again.

 But, if someone new has stumbled on my blog, please go back and read the past year’s selections. You won’t be disappointed. I’m going back to read, myself. Journaling and rereading journal entries can be quite therapeutic.

I do admit that there are some artists that are mentioned more than once. I mentioned many Sami Yusuf, Native Deen, Raef, Dawud Wharnsby, Zain Bhikha and Maher Zain selections. I have tried to diversify my artists. My objective is to mention thirty artists in thirty days. I also realize that some songs are all in Arabic and this does not really help the American Muslim, if they don’t know Arabic. It, however, does have the added benefit of getting a bit of Arabic language into my children’s lives.   By selecting all American or western songs, I did not want to be ethnocentric in my approach. I admit, though, the songs that I select are favorites from a western ear’s prospective and although this prospective might change over time that, by default, makes it a bit western. I am less likely to relate to harmonies that are too far off of the western melodious path. So, suggesting them would be inauthentic to my entire desire to highlight songs that speak to me or my family this Ramadan. Sometimes the melody speaks to me, even if I don’t know the exact words. Sometimes the lyrics speak to me more than the melody or rhythm. Nonetheless, my quest has begun.

    The first gem I discovered was this wonderful nasheed about the ninety-nine names of Allah. I really want to learn the words.

The ninety-nine  Glorified names of Allah             BenAmmi This is a beautiful and meditative piece. It helps children remember the ninety-nine names.  NOTE: There is a jewish record label and/or artist Ben Ami. This is not the same artist,  but I found it interesting how similar the names were.     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIuFbgbgerQ