Ramadan day21

It is amazing how much this month is “not” suppose to be about food, but in reality, really “it is” about food. We are supposed to think less about food, but we end up thinking more about food than ever before. We are suppose to give to those in need, and while we may do that, we also do a lot of taking.  

                I tried to practice clean eating this Ramadan and wanted my children to do the same. It seems that people load up on food when they break their fast. So, from sunset until sunrise the next day, they seem to eat like a bear does before hibernation. In fact, many will tell you that they gain weight during Ramadan. It is like the way that some people think about heaven. They believe that all sins are not necessarily bad, only forbidden for a time. Then, they act as if Iftar is practice time for Heaven.

I love Shirene Hakim’s advice about food consumption. . https://www.buzzfeed.com/michelleno/what-to-make-for-iftar  Now, let me practice it. That is the difficult part.  

The morning meal is before the prayer that is before sunrise. The meal is called Sohoor. I tried to do green smoothies. My in-laws always have milky tea, fried eggs and parathas. This is a recipe of flaky flat bread. They smell as good as they taste and every American that tries them, eats at least a whole paratha. My husband yearns for all Pakistani food atSohoor, especially since Covid-19. We have had some wonderful men bring over cooked wonders from their wives’ kitchens. We have parathas. But, just in case you might want to make your own. I found this recipe. I can’t verify its accuracy because, for me,  paratha making is like spinning yarn into gold.   

.   https://www.tastemade.com/videos/flaky-layered-paratha

We do seem to be incorporating more fruit into our sohoor and I love that. 

I’d like to have oatmeal and fruit for breakfast. Maybe oatmeal with a veggie/fruit smoothie. Then again, I know that I should be exercising more and taking advantage of this Covid-19 emergency home time. And, this has largely been a fantasy, also.    Before Ramadan, I tried to limit my meat, dairy, sugar, oil and processed food consumption. That is, I had been trying to adopt a Whole food plant based way of eating. I was pretty successful, I must admit.  This has gone completely out the window since the effects of Corona on Ramadan 2020. Sometimes my little boys will get up with me and either sit in the kitchen while I prepare Sohoor or try to help. I actually would do the same with my mother-in-law, last year. This makes Sohoor go so much more smoothly. It makes me feel less like a maid with benefits and more like a valuable team player.  

I am going to dive into the intricacies and roles of food, instead of all of its rich flavors, for the time being. As we know, food or the consumption of food is so much more than enjoying a taste or the intake of nutrients.  

First, I admit that I have a bit of an emotional addiction to food. I was a prime candidate for such a dependency. I was a preemie at birth. I always felt on the outside of family events, etc. What started as a way to fatten me up, soon became a way to combat bordom or a way to connect with others who felt that they could not possibly have anything else in common except the most basic thing, food. There was also the emotional pull. Eating just ttastes and feels good… … at least for the short term. I understand food addictions and the deeper challenge when we can’t exactly go cold turkey. For information, check out these links.

https://www.themindfulword.org/2018/food-brain-chemicals-overeat

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/real-healing/201904/taking-charge-emotional-eating

  my husband’s sister and I are part of the same facebook group. It is a local Muslim group and even though she is not local, she joined the group to intermittently post requests for help for her brother. They know that I am part of the group. But, they know that I won’t ask for help unless we really need it and other avenues have been exhausted.  Honestly, that was her sole purpose of joining.  At the beginning of Ramadan, she posts that her brother needs food. I post sometimes in the group, but I don’t out myself as her needy brother’s wife. I find my husband and his sister a bit too eager to accept help that might or might not be needed and even less likely to be reciprocated.

Actually, we don’t need food. Okay, my husband might *WANT* Pakistani food that he feels  I am substandard at making. Yet, we do have the money to buy food. My husband makes a sustainable income at his job. According to the US census, we are considered upper middle class. And, even though many have lost their jobs this year, my husband has the opportunity and privilege to work from home. But, no one knows this. They see a blind man with a blind American wife and assume that he must be lacking for meals because either we don’t have the income or I can’t cook his traditional dishes. The second would be a perceptive response, the first would be an assumption with enormous consequences or benefits, depending on how you want to look at it.  The brother and sister duo does seem to want to capitalize on the pity and ignorance of others. .

Okay, I admit, I am possibly a lower than average cook. I am not horrible. But, I am not great, either. It has nothing to do with sight and all to do with skill and attention to detail. I don’t have the skill to make roti nor the patience to make Biryani. Yet, no one is scraping burnt bits off of their chicken… … well, not most days. With Shan Masala’s help, I can make Dhal or Chana or even butter chicken. Even though I am trying not to eat as much meat, etc, I am not insisting that my children follow my way of eating.  This issue is complicated more by the fact that my husband’s preferences seem to change. No one will ever cook like his mother. Accepting or rejecting food sometimes is more about making said person feel important, as opposed to what he might actually find most palletable. When my in-laws are here, and I make something that he has previously noted as “pretty good,”(Because he doesn’t get more verbal than that) he will only nibble the contents of the meal. My father-in-law will never eat anything that I make unless it has been prepared in advance and my cooking consists of warming it in the oven.  my husband won’t touch my food for fear of offending his mother. If he does, he only takes a very small bite so she knows that he prefers her food over mine. He tells me that he does not like scrambled eggs. Yet, he will eat her fried egg and omelette every day. That is their breakfast of choice every day.  The only other possibility is that he is not being honest when he tells me of his preferences in the first place.  I understand that these strands just complicate  issues surrounding food.

And, did I mention that my husband and in-laws love to hoard. It isn’t just hoarding the resources, but being able to distribute them as they see fit. It is easier when hubby’s parents are not here. Still, he does hoard things. Half of what he hoards is consumable. He will stash it in his parents’ room and lock the door. This has resulted in my 8yo sneaking. This is a horrid vitious circle.

Anyway, lots of families are bringing over food to share with us. Every dish has an abundance of meat, an ample amount of rice, oil as a lubricant for the dish, sometimes sugar infused to make the dish more palletable and there is a significant lack of leafy greens. Sometimes they will bring a salad of lettuce and cucumber slathered in dressing.  I am not sure why the average salad consists of  only lettuce, maybe a tomato, cucumber and possibly carrots. Mushrooms, spinach and/or any other ingredients are left out entirely. The one exception was when someone brought a giant Greek style salad with plenty of olives. My eight-year-old and I shared the salad. Actually, I think he ate all of the tomatoes, olives and cheese off the top. But, I am digressing.

 We have also received samosas, pakoras, flat bread, dates and lots of fruit which I am eternally greatful for. There are so many dishes that contain rice. I think we have probably had every rice dish at least once. I have not found a food that has not been put in rice. I have had rice and pasta, rice and potatoes, rice and all types of fruit, rice and nuts, rice and any meat imaginable, rice and every kind of vegetable and just plain rice. Rice can even be mixed with other grains. I don’t think that I would like the texture of rice and rolled oats, but I am sure that I have had rice and oat flour.    

I am still struck by the amount of food that is consumed during Ramadan. For the entire month of Ramadan, there have been many people bringing over food. Somehow, I believe that some of these well meaning helpers think that we have ten people in our family instead of four. I don’t want any to go to waste, so I portion it out into containers and thank Allah for my small deep freezer. Maybe after Ramadan, when I start eating more healthy, again, I can just warm up one of these containers for my husband and he won’t grumble. Although, I have had to throw some food out because my husband has not finished it in time. I feel so ungrateful and guilty to do so.   

I know that I should be grateful. I know that people mean well. And, I am greatful. They are sharing their resources with us. Masked or not, they are delivering us sustenance.  These people wouldn’t necessarily come in and physically share a meal with us. Nor would these people ever consume anything that I would offer. That is apparent and disheartening. But, still, I know that I should be greatful. And, I am appreciative. I know what it is like to go hungry. I know what it is like not to have the resources to feed your children. I know what it is like not to have fruit on a daily basis, etc. I am truly greatful for having the ability to fill my stomach. I know that I am privileged when I can choose what I want to eat, as opposed to eating what we have in the pantry. I am aware that I have an abundance of choices that would overwhelm others.   Yet, gratitude is not the only emotion that I feel.

1. I feel guilty. I think that we are hoarding resources that could be shared with those who have less than us.    
2. I feel deceptive. We make enough money that my husband should “give,” not “take.” If we are going to take food from others, then pay them for their assistance.
3. I feel insignificant. Okay, this is a frequently occurring feeling.  We only seem to be vessels for people’s charity. My husband is fine with this, but I am not. We aren’t seen as whole and giving members of the community. Now, I admit, even when I have tried to extend a hand of friendship or help, (to those within or outside the Muslim community) it has summarily been rejected on some unknown grounds. But, my husband does not even try. And, his sister’s request has opened the flood gates for us to continue to be the poor benefactors of the community. Our role has been cemented within this community. They revel in this role, I despise it.
4. I am exasperated. It isn’t just that the community can’t see past our blindness to appreciate our strengths,  my husband is perfectly willing to fill this role for his own personal gain. There are days that I feel crushed by the weight of these resources. It is extreme irony that before I married my husband, I had very little. I did need government assistance. Yet, even with the little that I had, I would try to help those who were in such dyre straights that they lowered their pride to request aid from a disabled person. Now, we are considered upper-middle class with no significant debt or loans to pay off (with the exception of my Dr. bills).  And, since I am not the money maker, I can’t give back to the community. I can’t be a reciprocal part and my husband has no interest in being such a member.
5.  I feel ungrateful. I have grown up hearing how we should not waste food. Since I was born prematurely, my parents got into the habit of over encouraging me to eat. At family functions, most people did not know what to say to me. Food became the language of love and my emotional crutch. If anyone is old enough to remember that little boy on the life box, the commercial stated that Mikey would eat anything. My sisters use to tease me and say that I was Mikey. I still eat my children’s left overs because I don’t want them to be thrown away. And, now, I am eating lots of unhealthy things out of this misplaced gratitude. I know that rejecting food does not make me ungrateful, yet, I still hear that loud insessant speech of the voices in my head telling me that I should just be greatful for the food that I have. Additionally, by not eating it, I am thumbing my nose at those who made it and those who don’t have it. And, I’ll eventually have to throw pounds and pounds of food away.
6. I feel sluggish. I am eating lots of unhealthy things and it is making me feel even more sluggish, tired, cranky and bloated. I don’t have much energy. My gas to energy ratio is at least three to one. Furthermore, my stomach and hips are expanding while my patience and positivity are diminishing.              

It must be noted that after only four days of “Ramadan eating,” I had stomach problems which tethered me to the restroom. These have plagued me about every five days or so. It is time to get back to my regular eating patterns, no matter what.

I do remember when we went to the Mosque. People would gordge themselves. Many times, women would take three and four plates of food home. Sometimes, they would take pans of a rice dish home. If my husband was as smart as he claims to be in financial matters, he would have purchased stock in the company that makes Basmati rice or maybe that ethically bankrupt company of Nestle. People sure do drink lots of bottles of water. Additionally, it should be apparent that no one is woke enough to bring their own re-usable water bottle. .   Sometimes, people from the Mosque would even give us pans of rice to take home. There would be many aluminum pans, lots of Styrofoam plates, plastic cutlery, water bottles, (I know that they weren’t even recycled) and tons of left over food.  I would wonder if Muslims could or would actually finish all of that food. Would they throw it away at home? Do many Muslims have eating disorders? If I ate this way year after year, I would.

  There is a strange balance of giving and gluttony. On one hand, women make enough food to feed several armies, each night of Ramadan. On the other hand, they consume more food in one day than they usually consume within a three day period. The other option, of course is that they just throw lots of food and trash away. Isn’t that antithetical to what is actually supposed to be emphasized and practiced  during Ramadan? I fear that my children will carry on this hypocrisy.  

I want to get another freezer so that no food goes to waste. I still feel like a resource hog. But, I am trying to weigh out my options.

Anyway, here are some songs about food and fasting.

• The First song is by a new group called Jordindian. I think that they have been producing songs for awhile. When I say “new,” I mean “new” on my radar. Here is a hilarious song about fasting. It is called Fasting and furious.

• Dawud Wharnsby reminds us with this vocal and percussive performance to give of ourselves. He reminds us that when we give, we purify our wealth. The song is called Give a Little of Yourself.

• Dawud Wharnsby’s People are a lot like candy, really has less to do with food and more to do with comparing people to different types of candy. But, there is so much candy listed, here that I couldn’t leave it out. It makes my mouth water.  

• Pizza in his Pocket produced by Zain Bhikha, but sung by children  is a song with a lesson. It reminds children … … okay, everyone … to be greatful and not to be gluttonous.